The Weight of It All

Caution: Vulnerable post ahead.

A few months ago I had a REALLY trying week. I arrived at work (for those that don’t know, I’m a nanny to two fun toddlers. I work in one of those toddler’s house.) and as the nanny-mom was getting ready to leave the house she showed me a bunch of little bundt cakes that someone had given her. She told me I could give some to the toddlers as a snack and then told me I could have some too. I thanked her and she walked out for work.

Leading up to that week I had become increasingly aware of my body and weight. I was beginning to feel down about my weight (as the number on the scale was going up, lol). So arriving to work and seeing all these tiny bundt cakes scattered around the kitchen kind of triggered something in me. I told myself that morning that even though I really wanted one of the cakes, I would commit to practicing self-control and not allow myself to run to the kitchen and shove a cake in my face.

That “self-control” turned into self-verbal abuse. Everyday that week my eyes wandered over to the counter of tiny bundt cakes. Every time I thought about having one of those cakes I told myself “Keilah, stop. You don’t need it. Have you seen yourself lately?”

Every hour that I couldn’t eat a cake I heard a voice in my head saying “You are disgusting. You are a disgusting person. You are struggling THIS hard over cake? You disgusting, fat girl. You should be ashamed of yourself. If anyone knew how hard you were struggling right now they’d only ever see you as a fat girl.”

I work 40-50 hours a week. These thoughts flooded my mind every hour on the hour while at work that week. You guys, this was verbal abuse. These were things I was believing about myself 50 times that week. I didn’t share this with Jon out of fear that he would see me as a “fat girl” and be disgusted by me. I went that whole week silently verbally abusing myself and not even knowing it. I felt like a child being torn down by a bully.

The next week at work I was still feeling the aftermath of a weeks worth of tearing myself down. While feeding one of the toddlers breakfast I broke out in tears, sobs. Poor baby girl was watching me with such a confused look on her face. So, fighting every thought and emotion that was keeping me isolated, I reached out to my city group ladies and spilled (but not everything, because again, I heard that voice telling me to not let some of those ladies in that deep because if they knew they’d just see me as “that fat girl”).

My city group leader called me after work and I spilled EVERYTHING to her. Thank God for her friendship and love. She lovingly called out those things I was believing as LIES, she encouraged me, and spoke TRUTH over my weary soul.

That night I laid on the couch and yet again spilled everything…this time to my sweet husband. He held me, told me that he understood what I was feeling and experiencing because he too has been there. I told him I was ready to make a change. I needed to not only fix how I was thinking about myself, but I needed to fix my eating habits.

Jon has been doing the Ketogenic diet since the first of the year and has lost over 60lbs as of today! I’ve done keto before (last year) and fell off after losing 24lbs. I fell off because I realized my heart wasn’t in it. I wasn’t committed. I didn’t have a purpose behind doing it.

 

I’m choosing to go keto to be healthier, to lower the number on the scale, to feel comfortable in my favorite clothes, to be confident in my own skin, to feel better in the day and sleep better at night, and ultimately to help me get pregnant. I want my body to be a safe space for baby Knowles someday.

For those who don’t know what the keto diet is, I’ll give you the short version.

  • low carb (we stay under 20g/day)
  • high fat
  • no sugar

Since the 1st of June to date, I’ve lost 11lbs. While it’s coming off slower than I’d like, I am seeing the results and feeling the results. Doing Keto this time around I have found so many awesome recipes that I can’t get bored of. I have motivation, I have a purpose. I am so excited to continue feeling better and thinking better about myself!

 

 

 

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