12 Months pt.2

September 2018

I got my period a week before we were leaving for vacation. I called the doctor’s office anyways to let them know but also to tell them not the schedule me for the procedure yet since we were about to leave for vacation and I didn’t want to be sore and in recovery during that time. So they pushed it back for October 19th and told me that if I have another cycle before the procedure (a healthy person would have one more cycle) to not have intercourse to ensure I don’t get pregnant. I’m like, seriously y’all, we have nothing to worry about, I probably won’t even get another period this year, but whatevs.

October 2018

I get ANOTHER PERIOD. This time it’s within the normal cycle time frame of 28-31 days. What the what?! This is new to me. The 19th rolls around and I’m expected at the hospital at 5:30am. They separate me from Jon and my mom and wheel me to the back where they let me know all the drugs I’m going to be on for the best nap of my life. My sweet doctor rolls in and gives me a heads up of what’s to come while I’m knocked out. “I’m going to make 3 incisions. One in your belly button and 2 right above the pelvic line. The third one might be bigger if needed to accommodate the size of that growth when I pull it out, okay?” I nodded and inhaled some wonderful drug laced oxygen.

Recovery (an hour later)

I woke up slowly to my doctor saying “Keilah, you did great. I’ll see you in a few weeks for your follow-up.” They wheel me to my room and my mom and Jon walk in. My mom has a huge smile on her face and she says “Jon, share the good news”…

Jon says “While you were waking up the doctor came and gave us the update:

  1. They pumped you with air so she could see inside but the cyst was GONE, DISAPPEARED, NOT THERE, NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.
  2. She confirmed there is NO PCOS
  3. She found some endometriosis. They measure it on a scale of 1-4. 4 being bad/a lot. She said it barely even registered as a 1 to them. So she went ahead and did an ablation and got rid of what was there.
  4. Everything looks healthy and all as it should be in there!”

Y’ALL. My ONE PRAYER since finding out about this cyst was that the Lord would dissolve it before my doctor had to go in. She didn’t have to do the third incision which would’ve been bigger because there was nothing to remove!

Being able to share these results with our dear friends in our City Group has been such an emotional thing for me. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve been speechless, I’ve been in awe! These friends have been our closest confidants during this difficult season. They have prayed for us, over us and with us every step of the way. 

So at this point you’re probably asking, “So what’s the announcement?” Here it is:

He HEALED me.

Since August, my cycles have come within the healthy time frame of 28-31 days. I can’t remember how long it had been since my period tracker app was correct on it’s prediction date.

I am filled with renewed hope. I serve a God who has heard my cries, He’s heard my prayers and the prayers of those who love me, He’s answered my biggest prayer.

Now, obviously I’m not pregnant (YET). That’s another exciting announcement for another day. But I am so excited to see what my next steps are. Knowing that we are that much closer to having a baby of our own is a joy I have not felt all year.

While recovering at home over the weekend I had a lot of time to think about what the Lord has done for me. I thought back to January when I got my first period after really, seriously trying. Had I gotten pregnant in January I’d be having a baby this month. I look at our current situation with Jon busy with work and at the same time working on his Master’s in Data Science (wow), we fight to make time for each other. It’s not easy him being pulled in every which way right now. This could not work if we were having a baby this month. God knew. He knew what October 2018 would look like for the Knowles and He said “This might hurt you a bit to hear but, not yet.”

I’m trusting His perfect timing. It’s way better than my timing. His plan is perfect. It’s way better than any plan I could make.

It’s been a year exactly since we got prayed for initially over all the fears I was having about not being able to conceive. The Lord knew all along what 2018 would hold in store for us. He also knew that He wasn’t going to leave us for a second. He was preparing to flex His love, grace and healing over me.

We can hardly wait for Baby Knowles. I know that we’ll be telling our baby how The Lord WORKED A PERFECT MIRACLE in my body so we could have him/her. What a beautiful story of Him and how He loves.
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Delayed fertility is not your fault. It’s not something you choose. And there doesn’t need to be shame attached to it. If you’ve been trying for a month or a decade, you’re not alone. I’m in this boat with you. I’m just enjoying the view God placed before me before we get to hold our sweet little perfect baby nugget.

 

xoxo.

12 Months pt.1

I can’t think of any valid reason to not share this. It’s such a taboo subject. But if what I share in the following posts can make just one woman not feel alone, can make one woman brave enough to let others in on her story, then this post has done it’s job.
I’ve been scared this story will fall into the “wrong hands” and my name would be smeared or laughed at. There’s shame in knowing your body isn’t working perfectly. I didn’t want to give everyone the privilege of being let in on this intimate information. But after what’s happened, I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS because this story is bigger than me! Looking back it’s been all about Him. God flexing His matchless power.
I’ve not waited well during this season. It’s been a year of fighting for control, anxiousness, disappointment, frustration, tears, sadness, jealousy, very little enjoyment.

It’s also been a year where God has spoken to me more than He ever has because I’ve sought Him out, spoken to Him, cried to Him, yelled at Him, asked Him my hard questions. Sometimes I got immediate and clear answers, but most of the time His answers came at their own pace and wrapped in the most peculiar packages that have blown me out of the water upon unwrapping.

I looked for Him in everything. And I found Him in everything.

October 22, 2017
Jon and I were 10 days away from our 2nd wedding anniversary. The anniversary we agreed that we’d begin trying for Baby Knowles. I was feeling VERY anxious even though I’ve always wanted a child. It’s like reality set in that we are NOW intentionally trying to get pregnant. Fear crept in very sneakily. I didn’t even know he was there until I voiced out loud for the first time in my City Group that I was terrified we would have a hard time getting pregnant, if we’d even get pregnant, I was terrified of miscarriages, terrified of the label “infertile”. I told Jon on the morning of the 22nd that I wanted us to get prayed for by one of the pastor’s at our church who has like a ton of kids, because obvi that guy’s doing something right, amirite?
November-December 2017
My fear and anxiousness got the better of me. We “tried” but I wasn’t tracking anything. I wasn’t trying to get pregnant EVEN THOUGH ALL I’VE EVER WANTED IS A BABY. It didn’t make sense to me why I was putting this off and feeling “not ready” all of a sudden. It also didn’t help that during this time other ladies would say “just don’t try and it’ll happen” or “the more you want it the less likely you are to get it” or “don’t get your hopes up”. PSA: don’t ever, EVER tell a woman who’s trying for a baby these things. I don’t care if you think those things were ~true~ for you. It’s not helpful. Zip it. And listen.
January 2018
I’m tracking EVERYTHING. We’re trying on good days and bad days, up days and down days, left days and right days. And then one night while at a get together with my City group girls, I went to the restroom and saw that I started my period. I faked a smile, I told the girls that I was with that night and brushed it off like no big deal and left the party. I bawled the entire drive home. I threw myself in bed and wept uncontrollably on Jon’s chest for an hour while he held me and tried his absolute best to comfort and console his weeping wife.
February- August 2018
I’d experienced the most irregular cycles, peed on countless ovulation sticks — every one of them coming back negative. Not one positive. I had conversations with women who upon sharing how I was feeling and how I could potentially maybe be pregnant, shut me down and said “it’s all in your head” “you’re just symptom watching” “you’re probably not pregnant” “take a test just to put your mind at ease, but know that it’ll probably be negative”. So I stopped asking questions. Not because I wasn’t hearing what I wanted to hear, but because I was already telling myself those things in the back of my mind…on repeat. Why did I need other women telling me the same things? I was at my breaking point in August. Frustrated beyond belief at my irregular cycles and my lack of ovulation and everyone and their mothers getting knocked up but me. Crying every time someone announced their pregnancy, wanting to rejoice with them but also feeling so dry and empty inside. One week, I saw 6 ladies announce their pregnancies! SIX! And there I was holding my phone counting the 70th day since my last period. I made an appointment with a new lady doctor and she set me up for a sonogram to get a closer look as to why my cycles are out of whack.
August 24, 2018
The day of my sonogram appointment. As I’m laying on the bed while the sonographer is cruising around downtown, I’m looking up at the tv monitor showing my insides. I wanted to cry because I knew what I was looking for was not going to be a tiny baby. I felt the sonographer stop moving and start taking a ton of pictures on her screen. I saw something on the monitor. She wasn’t blinking, my eyes were darting back and forth from her to the monitor above me. She wasn’t saying anything. I knew this thing I was looking at was the cause of my problems. She sends me out to the waiting room and says the doctor will call me back in a few.
After a lonely, incredibly suspense filled 45 minute wait, I am finally called back. The doctor sits next to me and shows me the sonogram pictures. Again, I wanted to cry because as I’m looking at these pictures I realize that these are not ultrasound pictures of a tiny baby floating around. She begins by apologizing for the long 45 minute wait. She explained that both her and the sonographer could not identify what that thing was that we noticed. The doctor said it was a “cyst-like growth on your left fallopian tube.” But she could not confirm what it actually was because she had no earthly clue. She told me she wanted to schedule me for a laparoscopic procedure after my next cycle comes so she can get a better look and figure out what the heck it is and how we can treat this and get me good and pregnant. I reminded her that since my cycles are so irregular, I didn’t know how long it’d be before I got my period again and that this waiting could go on for a long time. She said she needed me to get a cycle before going in because she didn’t want to run the risk of me being pregnant and then going under anaesthesia. I then asked very timidly “Worst case scenario: this cyst-like thing, if it has damaged/crushed the tube it’s sitting on and you have to remove it, does this mean I can’t get pregnant?” She looked at me and confidently said “Not at all. Worst case scenario we have to remove a damaged tube, research has proven countless times that the remaining tube will function perfectly alone and you’d be able to get pregnant with the one tube.” I already felt a wave of relief hearing that answer.

Beginning that day, my one and only prayer became “Lord, please dissolve whatever this cyst-like growth is by the time she has to go in for this procedure.”

That following Sunday Jon and I asked to be prayed for by one of our pastors again and this time anointed with oil, because we were praying for healing this time.

(James 5:14-15: Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven).

The pastor asked Jon and me to hold hands and then he touched both our hands with oil as he declared healing over my body…

Anger

Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? 

-James 3:11

I’ve known for some time now that I can be a very angry person. It doesn’t take much for me to get angry (I hate this about myself). Something can piss me off and my entire day is centered on my anger (yet another thing I hate about myself).

I one time heard a guy at church share some of his story and he mentioned that he used to be a very angry person. I remember very clearly judging him and thinking “Ugh, there’s nothing worse than an angry man. I bet he’d hit his ex and that’s why they’re not together. I bet he just let his rage out and would yell at anyone”. Again, not very proud of myself here. Honestly, I don’t even know this guy, never spoken to him, so I have LITERALLY no clue what his anger looked like.

Now that I’m struggling with my own anger issues I realize that anger doesn’t rear its ugly head in the ways I imagined it would. The biggest way I see anger is when I’m driving. Yep. Road rage.

I’ve had no problem flashing my brights aggressively at the car in front of me, I lay on my horn when the person in front doesn’t immediately go on green, I yell, I move my hands like an Italian as I’m yelling, and I’ve also flipped some people off (again, not super proud of myself right now).

Jon has told me more times than I can count that one day I’m going to get shot by someone I piss off on the road. That comment doesn’t usually go over well with me.

At my Bible study earlier this week, the Lord interrupted my listening to the leader and He very clearly asked me the following question:

“How can you be in my Word daily and still spew out anger? How can your heart still be filled with so much anger?”

Then he answered it for me.

“My Word was given to you not simply as information but for transformation.”

Do not be conformed to this world, but be TRANSFORMED by the renewing of your mind…

-Romans 12:2

Immediately my heart was convicted. Here I was at Bible study, studying the Bible every day, at church on Sundays singing my heart out to Him, raising my hands high, telling God how awesome, wonderful, perfect He is and that He makes no mistakes. But the second I get in my car, I’m yelling at the person beside me and calling them an a*hole!

How can both fresh water and salt water come from the same spring? It can’t.

All this studying of the Word but I’m not allowing it to change me. I’m sharing this with y’all because I wanted to include you in this. Not really sure why. If you’re battling with anger as well, know you’re not alone.

My prayer this week since having this conversation with the Lord has been “Make me aware of my words before I speak them, help me to recognize when my anger is starting to bubble up and give me the self-control to not act out. And I surrender every moment of this day to You.”

If you think of me, pray for me. If you are thinking of me randomly, it’s probably because I need the prayer.

Thank you for reading this far,

xoxo